There was laughter and a knock at the door, and Alex joined his
friends in a party. Drinks were served all around. Stories were told
and apologies were given. Forgiveness, for everything.
***
Mulder had nowhere to go. Nobody accepted him, not anymore,
not after what they learned, what they’d been through. He only had one
hope. That the man who betrayed the Cause such a long time ago still
had a place for him. Swallowing his pride, he made his way down the
streets, hidden by the shit-smelling brown wool that covered his head
and body. Although he had learned too late that what the President was
doing was not right, he had not tried to stop it, not been part of the
Cause. Too caught up in his power trip to notice that the world he
knew was crumbling to dust. Rejoicing was not in his vocabulary. All
he hoped for was a slice of bread and a warm place to sleep. The
streets were awfully cold in November.
The only thing he did not want was death. Death had no appeal.
He wanted to live through this, to be able to talk about it as an old
man. Not caring what happened to his body, not caring if Alex Krycek
hated him, would want to grab revenge for what happened on that day a
long time past, Mulder walked towards the apartment building he knew
Alex resided in, to beg forgiveness, even if there was none.
***
The knock on the door interrupted the music. Alex waved for
the melody to be turned off. It was, and he made his way to the door.
‘Who could that be?’ he wondered. Opening the door, his eyes beheld a
sight he couldn’t believe.
Mulder. Fox Mulder, ex-Vice President of America. There, at
his door, dressed in a smelly rag, and looking like utter Hell, on his
knees with his head lowered. It was a vision out of Alex’s wildest
fantasies. Fantasies of long-ago. Fantasies of right now.
“I’m sorry,” the ex-VP whispered, so quiet that Alex wasn’t
sure he heard him at all. But it was said.
“Who’s at the door, Alex?” Dana called. She stepped next to
him and beheld the sight herself. “Well, well, look at what the cat
dragged in. Every door closed to you, *Fox*?”
He stood, head still bent, and said, “This was a bad idea.
I’ll leave.”
Alex stopped him with a touch of the hand to his shoulder.
“No, wait. You can come in.”
Mulder lifted his eyes to meet Alex’s. Tired hazel to bright
green. Dark circles were under the hazel eyes, portraying Mulder’s
sleeplessness. Reddened cheeks professed the cold. He was shivering
and his face was grimy. Cheeks were covered with the beginnings of a
dark beard. But he still looked like the same Mulder that Alex
remembered. So he was let into the apartment.
“Come to feed off of Alex’s hospitality, I see,” Walter said.
He did not approach Mulder, nobody did. Only Alex, who had one hand
wrapped around the older man’s biceps. They sat upon the couch, as
close as two lovers.
Alex drank in the sight of Mulder, the man who had stolen his
heart, who still had it, even after all this time. Even though he did
not want to forgive Mulder for what he had done, he still couldn’t bear
to leave him to the atrocities of outdoor living. He could see that
Mulder was thin, the War having taken its toll. And by the way the
vile smell wafted around the room, he knew Mulder was in dire need of
a shower and change of clothes. The others’ eyes burned through them,
evil, cold, angry. All they wanted was for Mulder to suffer, to suffer
beyond what they endured at the Camp. To suffer for all of them, for
the rest of his life. Alex knew he had to appease their anger, but he
could not torment Mulder forever. He just wanted to push the past
aside and start anew. Fresh. And be with the man beside him until the
Earth blew up.
Mulder was glad to have gotten out of the cold. He didn’t
understand why Alex was so nice to him. Did he still love him, after
all this time? After all he had done, Alex would be so gentle and so
kind? It didn’t make any sense. Yet, no matter how nice Alex was, the
eyes that watched them singed his skin with their hate. He didn’t
expect to leave in one piece, even before he got there. There would
have to be some kind of punishment, to appease the mass. The Cause had
won. And since he was not part of the Cause, there would be a heavy
price to pay.
“Have you eaten?” Alex asked, absent-mindedly rubbing his hands
over Mulder’s to make them warmer.
“No.”
“Do you want something?”
Mulder’s voice was like a child. “Please.”
Alex disappeared into the kitchen and came back a few seconds
later with a bowl of fruit. Sitting on the couch, he offered the bowl
to Mulder, who picked up a ripe, red apple and bit hungrily into it.
“Sorry about the selection. I haven’t gone shopping in a
while.”
“Thank you,” was all Mulder could say. He devoured the apple,
then reached into the bowl for a second. Soon, that was only a core as
well.
The other people in the room spoke quietly together.
“Alex Krycek has a heart of gold,” Dana said, the venom for
Mulder apparent in her voice.
Walter put a hand on her shoulder. “We forgave Alex for what
he did to us, why should he not forgive Mulder?”
Her blue eyes were steel. “Mulder is the reason we were sent
to the Camp in the first place. He’s the reason Jack got sick, the
reason Alex became so withdrawn. I say we string him up by his ankles
and teach him something about revenge.”
“Dana.” Walter’s voice was strong yet soft. “Alex knows that
we are angry, that we all hold a grudge. He won’t let our imprisonment
go unanswered for. He will make Mulder pay, I can promise you that.
But before we began the War, the pact concerning Fox Mulder was signed
and sealed. He belongs to Alex. Let Alex handle this the way he sees
fit.”
She sighed. “I know. But I don’t have to like it.”
Mulder sat uncomfortable against the back of the couch. The
warm hand of the man beside him jerked him out of the dazed thoughts
that consumed his mind. “Do you want to shower?” Alex asked.
Mulder nodded.
“C’mon.” Alex took his arm and led him towards his
bedroom, closing the door behind. Once inside, the sounds of the party
from the main room diminished, leaving faint outside noises, and the
sounds of their breathing. Alex stepped into the bathroom and turned
on the shower. Mulder followed.
“You can use my electric razor, and my toothbrush if you want.
I’ll put a new change of clothes on my bed for you. When you’re done,
just wait here for me. Okay?”
Mulder nodded again, his throat becoming unbelievably dry. The
kindness from this man was stifling. Alex treated him like a long-lost
friend, not an enemy who tortured him in the past. There was nothing
gained by treating him well; it was undeserved. But Mulder cherished
the warmth. It made him feel slightly wanted, in a World that hated
his kind. Slowly, as he felt the humid steam rolling from inside the
small bathroom, he undressed, handing off the terrible-smelling clothes
to Alex. He went into the bathroom and closed the door behind.
Alex smiled at the closed door. He knew that the others wanted
revenge, and after Mulder finished his shower, Alex would explain the
situation. Nothing would have pleased him more than to be able to have
Mulder with him forever, without the needed punishments from the anger
of the others. But it had to be done.
Sighing deeply, Alex took a plastic bag from beside his bed and
deposited the dirty clothes. He tied the top of the bag closed, then
placed the bag into his small garbage can. He then pulled out a pair
of jeans, a sweater, a pair of socks, briefs and even a pair of
sneakers he thought would fit the other man, folded them into a neat
pile and laid them upon his bed. Rejoining the party, Alex kept his
ears open for the stopping of the water.
***
Mulder stood under the hot water, spitting down at him,
full-force from the silver shower head. A chill ran over his skin, the
water a new experience for him in, five months? He didn’t remember
when his last real shower was, with shampoo and soap. A few weeks ago
a kind woman and her husband had taken him in, shaved his beard and let
him wash his face, but it was nothing compared to taking a shower, to
wash all the grime and dirt from his skin, and get the smell of shit
from beneath his pores. It felt wonderful, but he still felt dirty for
taking Alex’s generosity. The thoughts of what he had done to the
other man made tears prick the corners of his eyes. It was almost
rape, and it made him sick to his stomach to think he got off on it.
The War made him see how many feelings other men had, especially
himself. There was not a night that somebody from the Cause tried to
get at him, only stopping because of another Cause member’s shouts. He
never understood why nobody killed him; at first he thought it was
because he was evasive, missing the bullet by only an inch, but later,
he realized that somebody was protecting him. Perhaps it was Alex, but
the question was why? Why would Alex Krycek, the man who had been
forced by Mulder to betray his Cause, his People, want to protect him?
The idea was ludicrous in itself. Did he really hold that much power
to the many members of the Cause? And Alex had not even been a
solider. So why then, was Mulder still alive, alive enough to enjoy a
hot shower that soothed his aching limbs, with shampoo for his hair and
soap for his skin? Tears fell from the corners of his eyes, which he
quickly let the shower water take away. Feeling a growing warmth
within him, Mulder quickly finished cleaning himself off, and stepped
from the shower.
He did use Alex’s razor to remove the hair from his face. It
felt nice to be clean-shaven again. It made him look younger, less
ragged, more dignified somehow. And he used Alex’s toothbrush, first
time in months that he has had toothpaste, to clean away the muck and
film on his yellowing teeth. After he was done, he sprayed some
deodorant under his arms, and went into the bedroom to dress.
The clothes were sitting on the bed. He put them on slowly,
relishing the new fabrics against his skin. To his surprise,
everything fit, almost perfectly. The sweater was a bit big, which he
wondered about, considering he had more upper body muscle than Alex,
and the jeans were a bit snug. But everything else was comfortable,
even the shoes. Since when did Alex have his size feet? Mulder
shrugged, pushing off any old memories as the new clothes captured him.
He wanted nothing more than to start all over. It wouldn’t be easy,
and he didn’t think he would get out of what he did without some sort
of compensation, but when it was all over, he just hoped that Alex
forgave him.
***
Alex heard the shower stop and excused himself from the group.
He entered his bedroom to find Mulder, clean and refreshed, sitting on
his bed. He sat on the bed, legs crossing, facing Mulder. The other
man did the same. Green pools of sadness met with fearful hazel. Alex
sighed.
“Mulder,” he began, keeping his voice soft but serious, “you
know there is nowhere for you to go.”
Mulder lowered his head. “I know.”
“If I send you back to the streets somebody will kill you.” He
paused, to rest his fingers on the jeans Mulder wore. “You are only
safe here, with me. Everyone who fought beside you are dead. You were
kept alive simply because the Cause felt you belonged to me. They felt
that if you were to die, it would come from my hand and my hand only.”
Mulder began to shiver, his hands rolling within one another.
That made sense. Maybe Alex was just being nice to him to get him
ready for death. He swallowed down a hard lump in his throat. Death
was not what he wanted.
“I don’t want to kill you. I have no desire to see you dead.
And I will keep you safe, we all will, but not before the anger is
appeased.” He cupped the trembling hands between his own. “I am not
angry with you. I had made my peace with myself once they forgave me
for all I had done. I do not blame you; I blame myself. But they
don’t see it that way. For you to be truly safe, you will have to
endure their wrath. Live through what they went through at the Camp,
what I went through under your hand.” Mulder’s eyes met his. “I want
you to be safe. I want to be able to take care of you. I want you to
live a happy, free life, free from fear and misery. But I leave that
choice up to you. It will be rough and painful, I won’t lie about
that, but I promise you that you will not die and I will be there for
you no matter what. Even if you don’t want me, I will be there. Even
if you don’t love me, I will love you.” He paused, to swallow back the
sob that threatened to escape. “Once their anger is gone they will
accept you as I do. But like I said before, it’s your choice.”
Mulder knew this was coming. He knew he would have to endure
the pain he had put others through. What he did not know, was that
Alex still loved him, accepted him, wanted him. It was at that point,
that Mulder realized that he wanted Alex as well, always had, but was
too wrapped up to notice. When he had told Alex he loved him, he meant
it. He just didn’t understand the intensity until now.
There was only one choice he could make. “I’ll do it.”
Alex’s eyes brightened with a mixture of joy and sadness.
Unshed tears covered the green orbs. He knew they would be hard on
Mulder, but Mulder was strong, he’d pull through. And when it would be
over, they could live together in peace and love.
He took Mulder’s face between his hands, planting a soft kiss
upon the lips. The older man didn’t speak, nor smile, but his eyes
professed the feelings Alex spoke of. Fear, guilt and trust shone in
the hazel eyes. Alex smiled sadly. “C’mon. Let’s tell the group.”
They stepped out of the bedroom, Alex’s hand lightly on the
small of Mulder’s back. All eyes were upon them. The older man
lowered his eyes.
“I have an announcement to make.” The room hushed. “To
satisfy your anger and need for revenge, Mulder has agreed to undergo
any punishments you see fit, for a month, short of death or mutilation.
After that time, I expect his debt to be paid and you treat him as you
would me. I love him, and I understand you need this as much as he
does. After a month, he will be my life partner and live here, with
me. For now, he is in your hands.”
Alex moved, leaving Mulder open, vulnerable. Dana stepped up
and ran her hand down Mulder’s face. She smiled. It was going to be a
long month.
FIN 10/19/98